Other Reasons to Run

Sometimes running has nothing at all to do with...well, running.  Sometimes it is about having some time alone; sometimes it's about working through stress; sometimes it's about chick time.  The past three weeks my running has been about grieving.  In the past couple of years, anytime I am stressed or upset, I have been able to turn to running to help me cope.  I realized just how much running helps my mental state when my nephew, Stephen, died.

One never forgets receiving life-altering news, or the manner in which it was presented.  On the morning of August 8, as I was working to get my classroom in order, I received one such call from my sister.  She had just received her life-changing call from a coroner.  Her 26 year old son had died.  We didn't know how; he was simply gone.  To make the situation worse, Stephen had actually died on Sunday morning, and his mother was not notified until Monday morning.  Excuses were made, but in the end, the coroner's office messed up.

My initial reaction was disbelief, but I immediately took off to meet my sister at her house.  I just kept thinking I don't know what to do.  What do I do?  When my sister arrived, we were both in shock.  We truly had no idea where to begin.  Once we began to face reality, we made the necessary phone calls, began to make decisions, and we cried.  We worked through the day, each of us in a daze.  We had to go to our mother's to tell her, and then my daughters and I stayed with her for awhile. 

Once I was back in Tell City, I waited for Erin, Stephen's sister, to arrive from Indianapolis.  We spent some time talking and getting pictures of Stephen, and then we decided to do the one thing that wouldn't let us down - we ran.  We ran hard.  Erin, with her youth and strong legs, is always much faster than I, and that day was no different, but I pushed hard to keep up.  We were both filled with sadness, frustration, and anger.  So we ran.  We ran because we didn't know what else to do.  We ran because we could.  We ran instead of kicking and screaming.

Erin and I ran a couple more times that week.  It was something that was familiar, something that gave us a few moments of normalcy and peace.  It also gave us time to talk, although Erin's version might be that it gave her aunt time to lecture!  I treasure any time that I have with my nieces and nephews, but those particular runs with Erin, though difficult, were priceless.  I hope that someday she looks back and feels the same.

Since Erin has returned to Indy, I have continued my runs.  Sometimes I run with my friends, and it gives me time to talk about what our family has gone through.  My friends, too, are priceless.  They listen, they care, and they love.  My solo runs are spent processing the past couple of weeks.  As awful as they have been, I have taken away some life lessons.  My sister and I believe that those lowest moments in our lives are times that we learn and grow, and in the process become better people.

My sister is amazing.  She has always been one of the most important people in my life.  She is my confidant, my sounding board, and my cheerleader.  As I have listened to her as she has grieved the loss of her son, I have been overwhelmed with pride and pure love.  Though she has lost her boy, she has continued to comfort others, help people who need it, and show her appreciation for every little thing someone does for her.  I have always told people that she is the kindest person I know, and that our personalities are nothing alike (yes, I can admit that!), but I am still in awe of the grace she has shown.  She is an incredible mother, wife, friend, and, of course, sister.  I have prayed a lot the past few weeks, and my prayer is always very simple: God, give me strength and knowledge to help my sister through this loss.  And Please, bless her and my nieces.  I believe that those prayers have been answered; I have been able to hold myself together when necessary, and then let go when I am home. 

As I have run, I have also thought about all of the good people in our lives.  Our family has been truly blessed by our extended family, neighbors, and friends.  The food, cards, flowers, gifts, kind words, prayers, and hugs were all appreciated.  We have lived in an urban area, and in a small town.  There is no doubt that when a family is faced with a crisis, people in a small town step up and show up.  We were overwhelmed by all of the friends who came to Stephen's funeral, or just let us know that they cared in some way.  I think that I often focus on the negatives of life in a small town, but going through this has given me a new appreciation for my small-town life.

Honestly, if I didn't have running as an outlet the past weeks, I don't know how I could have dealt with all that I was feeling.  My runs gave me time to vent, to cry, to hurt.  I also don't know what we would have done without our faith.  When my father died when we were kids, it was our church and our faith that pulled us through.   I trust that our faith will not let us down.  Do we have some questions for God?  Absolutely.  That's okay.  I still believe in God's power and grace.  And I know that Stephen is in Heaven entertaining his grandfather, and probably telling Jesus some good jokes!  Maybe he will ask God to make his old aunt just a little faster.

We don't know what tomorrow will bring, so get out and live.  Don't put things off.  Tell people you love them.  Learn something new.  And run...it does a body good!